My Immortal
by OmniStrife
Summary: When Sephiroth finds out he is naught but an experiment, it affects Zack more than he really lets on. You might think Sephiroth is losing everything in all this... but that's not true. He still has Zack. SZ, shonen ai, M for language & some violent images


**A/N:** Hellooooo everyone. OMG I'm still alive. Haven't done much here in a while. But I wrote something!

It's a little oneshot thing I wrote up for RSXavior (supposedly for Christmas but Omni has a deadline problem… . Shh). It's Zack/Sephiroth… kinda. It's a formerly-Zack/Sephiroth. Yeah. That makes more sense. Just a warning, it's kinda sad. It's another one of those Omni-songfics. XD I'm an English geek, and I tend to try to paraphrase the lyrics of songs that I like and apply them to a character or two. And this is what came out. Hope it's enjoyable. ^_^

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**My Immortal**

I'm so tired of sitting here. I've been sitting here for days. I've been waiting for him to come out from this… this chaotic haven he's created for himself. He won't talk to anyone, won't let anyone in to see him. I'm not even sure if he's eaten since he got in there. It's scary. I've never seen him like this. He's always so calm… so collected. He's supposed to be the one who is sitting in a dark and, honestly, very creepy hallway waiting for someone else to stop going nuts. He was supposed to be the stable one.

I know I should just go in there. I'm strong enough to break down this door, and I know it. But… I'm sort of afraid of him. Not just of what I'll find, but of him too. He's different… He's not the Sephiroth I used to know. He's something more; something frightening. There's something happening in his mind… and no one can stop it without going in there.

Isn't there an old saying… what is it… 'You can't help a friend who can't help himself'? Is that how it goes? I think I might have just made that up, but it seems to be true. How am I supposed to help him if he won't let me? I just… this whole situation makes me want to… to bash my head against something very hard… and then cry for a few millennia. I'm losing him, and I don't know why.

There was a fear in his eyes. It was faint, but it was there. Like this was something he had always known was going to happen, and had been dreading it. He always told me that he knew there was something different inside him. He could feel it there all the time. Like something was living in him… through him. I always told him he was just being paranoid because he was a little different… but I've never seen anything like that little pinprick of fear in those amazing eyes. It makes me hurt just thinking about it… knowing that I can't help… because he won't let me.

This is killing me… He pushed me away. I've always been the one he ran to… I've always been his sanctuary, and now I'm not. He left everything precious behind when he entered that room, myself included.

Fine. You know what? If he wants to leave… I wish he would just leave. Even if I wanted to, I could never get rid of him. He's everywhere for me… he's in the sky, in the ground. He's even in me. He'll never leave me. He'll never leave me alone.

It hurts, thinking about everything. I don't even know what happened. We came here for a standard, regular mission… but as soon as he walked into that reactor… it was chaos. I just… I watched his mask crumble and break, and fall into jagged little pieces on the floor as soon as he made the connection with that name… Jenova.

I mean, I know it can't be a coincidence… What he said made a lot of sense but… Man, I just really don't want to think about it. Why did this happen? Why won't this hurt go away? For both of us… why won't these wounds just heal?

He said he loved me… for the past few years it's been like we actually were one person. We've been through a lot together… a lot of happiness, a lot of pain, a lot of tears, a lot of screams… a lot of nightmares. But in the end he was always the strong one. He would come to me for consolation, and always end up doing the consoling. It never made me feel as inadequate as I do right now.

Because this time, he didn't come to me. He pushed me away. Like, actually pushed me. He shoved me out of the room and slammed the door in my face when I tried to help him. He even reverted to using my full name… which he hasn't done in years.

"Zackary, you can help me no longer."

I've never heard him speak so coldly… not even to people he hates. Sure, he doesn't ever show a lot of emotion, but this was like a barren wasteland of a sentence. It literally sent chills down my spine… right before I clenched my teeth and sat down next to the door—right where I am now—and cried. I haven't moved since. Probably, the only reason I'm still alive is because Cloud comes down here to bring me food and a little company. I've really been grateful to have him here.

I remember… the first time I ever laid eyes on Seph. I had always heard about how stunning he was in person, and how he just gave off this… intense and amazing aura. But… well, it's really indescribable how I felt when I saw him. He captivated me from the moment I… missed my mouth and fell over in my chair. Funny story actually. Makes me smile just remembering it.

We were at the reception banquet for the newly appointed First Class SOLDIER members. I really wasn't all that overwhelmed. I felt like I deserved to be where I was because I worked hard for it. I was just eating my food and suddenly everyone seemed to be crowding around a door. Hushed whispers about "the General" started traveling, and I just shrugged it off, feeling like there was no point in ogling over the guy. He wasn't going to notice me anyway. And I was sure the last thing he needed was another person staring at him.

So I kept eating. But… dear Shiva, the moment he came into clear view, every one of my brain processes just kind of stopped… and the food that had been en route to my mouth was totally lost. In my effort to recover said food, I kinda… dove for it and lost my balance… and took the whole chair with me. Oops. Of course I got everyone's attention, including the infamous General, and his second in command came up to me after I had righted myself and told me that "General Sephiroth wishes to see me in his office after dinner". I felt what any closeted gay boy would feel at a chance to meet the Silver Soldier…

I was scared shitless.

But I still went, expecting to be yelled at, reprimanded… decapitated… for my "hideous display", but it never came. Instead, he promoted me. I think my brain actually did stop when I heard that. 'Cause he had to repeat it… a few times. Man, that was the best day of my life. Well, no. The best day of my life was when we… when I handed over my virginity to him. Yeah, that's right, I was a virgin until I got together with Seph. Even he was surprised by that, because to hide my sexual "tendencies" I made sure to be the most all-around ladies' man in the entirety of SOLDIER. I must have had… fifteen girlfriends in the two years it took me to rise through the ranks. They never lasted long though… obviously. Fifteen in two years is a lot. Even I think so. But anyway, I'm getting off-topic.

Not that I wouldn't welcome the distraction. My thoughts have wandered a lot the past few days. I keep remembering that first second when I saw him… He was absolutely spectacular. His looks, his power. Everything. And even after I knew him inside and out, I was always captivated by everything about him. He has a brilliant mind, and his whole being just resonates with that brilliance. Every day I was amazed he chose me.

But now… Now I'm almost haunted by those memories; by the mental pictures and images of him; of his face, his smile, his body… It's not that I don't like to remember the happy times, it just deeply saddens me to think that this might be the end… that I might never get that back. It's almost enough to make me think that if I can't have that back… then life isn't worth living. It's almost enough to make me want to join him in his insanity.

It really is insane; everything happening right now is insane. It's all moving really fast too. I feel like I'm in battle; gunshots ringing, metal clashing, blades flying, slicing through flesh and bone like a bullet through fog. Except these wounds of mine won't ever heal. I can almost see them on me, blood seeping through my skin and taking the love of my life with it in waves of crimson. …Damn. That was morbid.

Really though. We've been through so much together. It's horrifying to me to think that we probably won't make it past this. There's too much bad and hurt that just can't be erased with a little time. There's too much he wasn't told, too much I didn't know, and now we're paying for other people's stupidity with our sanity… and our lives, in both the metaphorical sense and the physical sense, probably.

I can't help but think that maybe I made things worse for him. I probably made things worse for myself too. We got so attached to each other so quickly. He showed me a side of himself that literally no one had ever seen before. I don't even think _he_ had seen it before. I saw emotions that the whole world was convinced that General Sephiroth wasn't even capable of feeling, much less displaying. But he showed them to me. I saw him laugh, I saw him cry. We laughed and cried together. When he was scared—yes, it is possible for the amazing General to get scared—he came to me to make his fears go away. I was his rock, and he was mine. The difference is that he decided to be the kid throwing rocks into the pond, and I was the rock he chose to throw.

I'm trying so hard. I'm trying to get him back, and at the same time trying to accept that he's gone. He is no longer the Sephiroth that I know. Maybe it's not even him. There's something inside him, working through him, manipulating him. There has to be. Because my Sephiroth, my love, would not be this way. He would not do this to himself, and he would certainly not do this to me. Sephiroth is in that room, but _my_ Seph is nowhere to be found, and honestly, I've never felt more alone than I do right now.

It's almost disturbing—_is_ disturbing, to know what I'm losing, what he's losing. I'm losing everything, because he is my everything. It may seem like he's losing everything too, but that's not true. To him, this change is something to be gained. It's something better than what he had before. That hurts. Because saying that is saying that he wasn't satisfied with the fact that I gave him everything. I didn't want anything in return either; just the chance to be near him. What he gave me was offered to me. I never took it. But now… now he mumbles to himself about other worlds and celestial beings. Don't think I can't hear him. This freakish hallway houses only dirt and dead things. The silence is maddening, which probably isn't such a good thing for a madman. But he won't let me in.

Ah, there it is again: the soft thud of another book closing. His thirst for knowledge is feverish. He's determined to read every book in that damned library. It can't be good for him. I wonder if he's even thinking about me. I'm thinking about him. I'm always thinking about him. 'Cause like I said: He's my everything. I don't think I'm his everything. At least I'm not anymore. Maybe I used to be, I don't know.

I wish this wasn't happening. I wish he was with me instead of those books. I feel like I'm the victim of a tragic love affair. Maybe I am. But if I could just talk to him… If he would just listen to what I want to say to him… maybe I can help him. Maybe I can fix him. Maybe I can bring him back. I would tell him I love him. I would remind him that he loves me too. I would tell him… I would tell him he's my everything. I would tell him…

I would tell him he still has me. Even if he thinks he's lost everything. He still has me.

He still has all of me.

I just wish I was enough.


End file.
